Transformation
Don’t trust him, trust Me.
I will restore what the locusts have eaten away.
You are mine.
Hug him.
These aren’t just random instructions and verse
tidbits. They’re truths that triggered transformation
in my life and marriage. They are the reason I’m
able to write today from a green pasture rather than
the valley of divorce.
Holy Spirit whispered them at moments of utter
desperation when I didn’t believe this day would
ever come. Despite my best effort, I couldn’t mend
the unraveling threads of my marriage. My emotions
constantly attacked my mind with things like:
He’s not the man you thought he was.
Things will never change.
You don’t matter to anyone.
Get as far away from him as possible.
I needed something more powerful than my own
emotions to hold me—an unshakable anchor.
“God has given both his promise and his oath.
These two things are unchangeable because it is
impossible for God to lie. Therefore, we who have
fled to him for refuge can have great confidence as
we hold to the hope that lies before us. This hope
is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls. It
leads us through the curtain into God’s inner
sanctuary.” Hebrews 6:18-19, NLT
If you’ve been following my blog posts these last
few weeks, you know that each revelation started
with a whisper from the Lord. While I sought wise
counsel with mentoring and community through
church, it was hearing and obeying guidance from
the Comforter himself that proved most powerful.
Wise counsel and community are important
supporting roles in my relationship with God, but
I’ve learned they can never be substitutes for it.
He’s the only one who knows absolutely everything
—about you, your husband, your marriage, His Word,
and His plan for your life. Only God’s truth has the
power to transform. He’s always with us, yet, He
will only intervene if we invite Him.
Do you desire hearing specific instructions and
transforming truth from the Lord for your marriage? I
want to encourage you that you absolutely can
receive it—if you ask.
My heart broke recently for a couple whose
marriage was much like mine. A laundry list of
hurts led to separation. She said that all of her
church friends agreed with her choice. But when
asked if she had sought the Lord, she sidestepped
the answer, saying, “It’s done, divorce is the only
thing that makes sense. It will be better for
everyone.” But would it be? Maybe not. More
importantly, was it what God would have directed?
Sadly, she didn’t know, because she had reacted to
her emotions, substituting community for both wise
counsel and the Comforter .
“Call to Me and I will answer you, and I will tell
you great and mighty things, which you do not
know.” Jeremiah 33:3 (NASB)
There is no substitute for personally seeking the
Lord and spending time in His presence. When we
do, He promises to answer us. The more time we
spend with Him, the more we recognize His voice.
No one knows and understands your situation more
completely than God.
“My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and
they follow me.” John 10:27
It was not only receiving but also obeying those
whispers from the Comforter that sustained me and
ultimately turned my marriage around. Relying on
my emotions would have led me astray. I would
have traded God’s best for temporary relief from my
pain.
I had all but signed the divorce papers when a
good friend asked if there was anything my husband
could do to change my mind. Our circumstances
and my emotions screamed for a divorce. Yet, I
replied, “Only if God says something different.”
God’s word is the most powerful weapon we have.
It must override every other voice.
Everything in me told me to get as far away from
my husband as I could. Seeing him poured salt into
fresh wounds, and I wanted so badly for him to feel
the sting of it.
But God had other plans. Hug him. Embracing the
source of my sorrow made no sense, so I ignored
it. But the Lord persisted. Hug him. Tears dripped
from my chin and my thoughts protested fiercely,
but my arms reached out in obedience. In that
moment—relinquishing my own understanding—
something in my husband broke and the love of the
Lord flooded in.
Nothing has been the same since. My hug was
nothing special. But my obedience allowed God’s
instruction to be truth that triggered transformation
for both of us. And that transformation became a
pivotal piece of the Lord’s plan for restoring our
marriage.
It can be for yours too, but God’s truth can only
trigger transformation when we’ve trained ourselves
to listen and we’re willing to overlook our feelings
and obey Him.
My husband and I still have much work to do, but
we’re living in a miracle of God’s making, and it’s
more fulfilling than anything we ever could have
imagined.
I’m sure you know exactly how you feel about your
husband and marriage, but what does the Lord have
to say? Have you asked Him? Are you listening?
Will you obey even if it goes against your feelings?
Will you trust Him with the outcome?
“…when you pray, go away by yourself, shut the
door behind you, and pray to your Father in private.
Then your Father, who sees everything, will reward
you.” Matthew 6:6
May I pray for you? Father God, help my sister to
hear Your voice above every other. Draw her to the
secret place and give her the courage to seek Your
will for her marriage despite her feelings. Give her
truth to hold on to that replaces the lies her
emotions have told her. Thank you for being a
strong and trustworthy anchor for her soul. In Jesus’
name. Amen.
Candace Salamone
October 25, 2017
Something’s Gotta Die
This is the second in a series of 3 posts by
Candace Salamone.
I needed it to be dead-dead. That’s what I heard in
my spirit. I knew it was the answer to a question
I’d been asking the Lord about my marriage—more
specifically, the undoing of it. My marriage had
been lifeless for years, but “dead-dead?” What did
He mean?
If you read last week’s blog post, you know my
marriage was headed for divorce. The demise of
our union had been years in the making with too
many wrongs to overcome. But God.
To be completely honest, when I say I’d been
asking the Lord a question about my marriage, what
I really mean is I’d been accusing Him of failing
me. I sounded like Lazarus’ sister, Martha, when he
fell ill and died. She sent word to Jesus that
Lazarus’ condition had turned critical, begging
Jesus to act quickly. Yet, according to the story in
John 11, Jesus stayed where he was for two more
days. Lazarus had been in the tomb for four days
when Jesus finally arrived. In other words, he was
“dead-dead.” And so seemed my marriage. Could
that really be what God intended?
Full of disappointment and heartbreak, Martha and I
both started our accusations the same, “If only You
would have…”
Have you been there? If only the Lord had done
something sooner. If only He would do
something now . I never would have chosen these
lonely nights tossing on my tear-soaked pillow or
disappointing my children and having our family
torn apart. Why did it have to come to this? Why
did He wait and let things go this far? Like Martha,
I’d sent word that the end was near unless He
intervened. For me, it had been years, not days, of
heartache coupled with desperate cries for help.
I had prayed, sought wise counsel and scoured
God’s word, determined to save my marriage. I’d
even found encouragement in Lazarus’ story—
declaring and holding on to the truth that if God
could resurrect Lazarus, He could resurrect my
marriage too. But here’s what I’d missed that the
Lord was showing me now.
Resurrection is for things that are completely dead,
meaning something must be all the way dead—
“dead-dead”—not just dying, in order to receive a
resurrection miracle.
God’s miracles are not simply about solving our
problems and helping us escape our pain. He
desires to reveal Himself more personally and
completely to us, while drawing us closer, and so
that He ultimately receives all the glory. He’s the
only one who knows what it takes to accomplish
that.
“… it happened for the glory of God so that the
Son of God will receive glory from this.”
John 11:4, NLT
Bringing newness out of death is the Lord’s way—
both literally and figuratively. It started in the old
testament and hasn’t stopped. Death gets rid of
the old and makes way for the new. It makes room
for God to do things only He can do, because He’s
the only one who knows and fully understands the
problems as well as how to fulfill His purposes in
each of us and our husbands.
I’m not suggesting that you open the door to
divorce, like I did. But I am asking you to consider
whether there are things that need to die, and
places you need to make room for God to move in
ways only He can.
Are there patterns of thinking or behaviors you need
to let go of? Expectations you’ve placed on your
marriage or your husband? Is something from your
past affecting your marriage? Or maybe you’ve
submitted your plan to the Lord for what needs to
happen in your marriage so you’ll be happy and
satisfied.
I don’t know what thing the Lord wants to be
“dead-dead” for you and your marriage. But I do
know that death is inherent to life with Jesus. He
is the only One who overcomes death. Giving Him
all control allows Him to be the miracle-working
God He longs to be in your life and marriage.
Will you give Him room to work? Ask the Lord to
show you what needs to die so He can resurrect it
with His life.
I’d taken the role of Junior Holy Spirit in my
marriage for a very long time. I thought I knew
exactly what was wrong with my husband and how
to fix him. The Lord wanted no part in my plans.
He wanted to give us more than I could ever have
asked or imagined. He wanted no mistaking that
this miracle was His doing. For that, He needed
my marriage to be dead-dead —which meant I was
finally giving up control so He could fully move in.
None of this looked the way I would have chosen
or expected, yet I never could have imagined the
amazing miracle marriage God is building or the
love He is growing.
24 I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat is
planted in the soil and dies, it remains alone. But
its death will produce many new kernels—a
plentiful harvest of new lives.
John 12:24, NLT, emphasis added
May I pray for you: Father, I ask for a resurrection
miracle in my sister’s marriage. Thank you that You
are the resurrection and the life. Show her the
areas in her marriage that need to die so that You
can bring new life to them. Strengthen her along
this journey. Fill her with the hope that You are
able to do immeasurably more than she could ever
ask or imagine according to Your glorious power at
work within her. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
October 18, 2017
A Promise and a Plan for
Harvesting a Crop of Love in
Your Marriage
I’m so happy to introduce guest blogger, Candace
Salamone, to you. Candace and I have been
mentoring together since the last time Tom’s and
my interview was aired on Focus on the Family. I
love Candace and am overjoyed watching God’s
movement in her life. May you be blessed as you
read a portion of her story over the next 3 weeks.
Are you desperate to harvest a crop of love? If my
marriage and those of the women who pass through
my living room weekly are any indication, I’m
guessing your answer is, “yes.”
While love is usually what leads us into marriage,
sadly, it’s what often dries up as time passes and
life happens. Dry ground is no place for new
growth, but God has a plan that will drench your
marriage’s love drought and produce a plentiful love
harvest.
“I said, ‘Plant the good seeds of righteousness, and
you will harvest a crop of love.Plow up the hard
ground of your hearts, for now is the time to seek
the Lord, that may come and shower righteousness
upon you.’” Hosea 10:12, NLT (emphasis added)
I read this verse recently through the blur of tear-
filled eyes and with a heart as empty as my
husband’s closet. Along with his clothes, I had
packed away the hopes and dreams for our
marriage.
Me harvest love? How? There are no good seeds in
my marriage. How can I reap love after all that’s
happened? I don’t know all that’s happened in your
marriage, but God does. And when the One who is
himself, love, assures a harvest, it’s a promise you
can grab hold of.
My marriage was in a totally hopeless, end-of-the-
rope place where harvesting anything from it, much
less love, seemed beyond impossible. Our love tank
had been empty for more than a few harvest
seasons.
Can you relate?
God’s desire is to heal our hearts and restore love
to our marriages. I’m beginning to experience the
buds of new love growing, and I believe you can
too. Hope is rising in my marriage where weeds of
despair had grown dense. True forgiveness is
sprouting where deep-rooted hurts had smothered
peace. And I’m no longer fixating on my husband’s
issues—trusting the Lord to work on him instead.
Love is growing.
I’ll be sharing more on how we got there over the
next 3 weeks on Sandy’s blog.
But I’ll start by saying, the work began in me, and it
started here with Hosea 10:12. Everywhere I went,
Hosea was there. On the radio and in my dreams.
Even in my own backyard.
Work gloves on, several shovels and wheel barrow
in tow, I stepped into the yard to remove piles of
loose dirt left behind by a project. The piles looked
loose, but when I thrust the shovel into them, they
were hard as rock. With all my strength, swinging
sharp, heavy tools, only crumbs broke away.
How could loose dirt harden so quickly? No one
packed it down. It was untouched, yet completely
hardened, and impossible for me to move.
God’s gentle whisper pierced my spirit. This is just
like your heart. What do you mean? I asked.
These piles of dirt are like the hurts and wrongs
you’ve collected over the years. They’ve piled up in
your heart, untouched and have hardened. Your heart
couldn’t receive love even if I sent it.
Holy Spirit was right. I was holding onto years of
wrongs, causing the ground of my heart to harden.
God had my attention as I remembered the verse
from Hosea. He showed me that the hardness of
my heart was blocking my love harvest. Like the
farming metaphor in the verse implies, I had work
to do.
Farmers know they can’t plant and harvest in the
same season. Not only do seeds take time and
tending to grow, but before seed goes into the
ground, the dirt itself must be carefully and
meticulously prepared to receive it.
What if, like mine, your love harvest has been
delayed because the planting ground of your heart
hasn’t been properly prepared to receive it?
God’s plan in Hosea 10:12 can change that. It
says: in order to harvest love, you must plant
righteousness, but before you plant, first, you must
plow.
The Hosea 10:12 Plan
Step 1: Plow up the hard ground of your hearts
Plowing has a very specific purpose in preparing
soil for seed. It turns the upper layer over, bringing
fresh nutrients to the surface, while burying the
weeds (like unforgiveness, bitterness and
resentment) and dislodging the roots and remains
of previous crops (or in our case, past wrongs) so
that they break down and die.
Bringing in fresh nutrients is like allowing light into
the dirt below the surface. So, for me, plowing
meant acknowledging the truth of what the Lord had
shown me.
Uncovering the root of the problem is the first step
towards resolving it. The ground of my heart
needed work, and I couldn’t do it alone.
Step 2: Now is the time to seek the Lord
Invite the Lord in. Ask Him to show you what’s
piled in your heart that has you stuck, then release
it to Him. His word promises that He rights every
wrong. That means you can stop building a case for
your pain and holding on to the causes.
I’d been stuck in survival mode, justifying my
heart’s condition for far too long. Pleading my case
one last time, I wrote each wrong on the pages of
my journal and released it, saying, “I forgive my
husband for [insert each wrong] and I trust You,
Lord, with my heart.”
When we do this, God promises to do the heavy
lifting for us. He says, “I will give you a new heart,
and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out
your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender,
responsive heart.” (Ezekiel 36:26, NLT, emphasis
added)
A responsive heart . That’s exactly what I needed in
order for my heart to receive anything—including the
seeds that would produce love.
Previous pain doesn’t have to kill our marriages, but
we must turn the roots over to the Lord. Left
untouched, they’ll battle anything we try to plant.
New growth simply won’t take root.
Step 3: Plant the good seeds of righteousness
Ordinary seeds won’t produce love, only the good
seeds will. Where do they come from? Hosea tells
us. God provides them.
He is our supply and portion for every need. When
we do what we can do, God does what only He can
do:
Plow your hearts (what we can do),
Seek the Lord (us, again),
so that He (God) may come and shower
righteousnes s (the good seeds) on you.
When we do the plowing, God does the showering.
Your work will prepare the way so that His “good
seeds of righteousness” fall on fertile ground.
God is love. That means His seeds will produce the
crop of love He promises. Unlike the romantic love
of this world, God’s love fulfills, satisfies and
endures.
Don’t let another harvest season pass you by. Start
this work in your heart. Release your hurts to the
Lord, and allow Him to produce a love harvest that
will overflow to your husband. God’s love truly can
cover a multitude of sin.
Let’s get plowing.
May I pray for you? Father, I lift my sister and her
marriage up to you. You know the depths of pain
she’s endured and the tears cried. Comfort her.
Thank you for the promise of harvesting a crop of
love. Help her to follow Your plan by plowing the
hardened ground of her heart so that You can come
and drench her in Your righteousness. Thank you
that with Your help, she can break down the remains
of previous hurts and release them to you. Give her
the strength and courage to get plowing and to trust
you with her husband. Thank you in advance for
healing and restoring her marriage. In Jesus’ name.
Amen.
Candace Salamone
January 25, 2017
How to Grow a Flourishing
Marriage in a Weed Patch
Every flourishing marriage has had to deal with their
fair share of weeds. Those character flaws of ‘self’
that we’d rather not look at, much less talk about.
Yet if you’re serious about growing a flourishing
marriage in a weed patch, it’s important to
understand the strain of weeds you’re dealing with.
Without that self-awareness, those weeds will get
the better of you and your marriage. I promise.
For a better understanding of which weeds you’re
dealing with, answer the question “Where do you
experience pain in your marriage?” Your answer will
provide clues about where the Holy Spirit is already
at work to lift out the weeds making room for more
fruit.
When you discover where the Spirit is moving and
you join Him there, you can expect wonderful
results! In fact, I can promise wonderful results
because the fruit or work of the Spirit contains
everything you’ve ever wanted for your marriage:
Unconditional love, peace, patience, kindness,
goodness, gentleness and self-control. This is the
epitome of a flourishing marriage!
So let’s get back to the question, ‘Where does it
hurt in your marriage?’
What’s causing the pain?
Selfishness
Pride
Cynicism
Fear
Anxiety
Anger
Harshness
Critical spirit
Greed
Envy
This list represents weeds which block the Spirit’s
fruit production in your life. And without the fruits of
the Spirit growing in you, the weeds will eventually
choke the life right out of your marriage.
So how do you fight back and regain or secure a
flourishing marriage? How do you get rid of the
weeds and grow more fruit? The best defense is
often a good offense. Author Gary Thomas said,
“Grow a virtue that is opposite the vice and thereby
suffocate the vice.”
That logic certainly proved true in my flower
garden. The more my plants grew and thrived, the
less space was available for those pesky weeds.
So let’s take a look at the corresponding fruit to
weed breakdown so you can increase your self
awareness.
FRUIT WEED
Unconditional Love Self absorption, Pride.
Joy Cynicism
Peace Fear, Anxiety, Envy
Patience Anger
Kindness Critical Spirit,
Sarcasm
Goodness Greed, Unethical
Faithfulness Disloyalty, Disregard
Gentleness Anger, Harshness
Self-Control Lustful, Addictive
Lifestyle
John 6:63 reminds us, “The Spirit brings life, but
the flesh has nothing to offer.” And nowhere is this
made more clear than when contrasting the Spirit’s
fruit with the weeds of our humanness.
Are you willing to surrender to the work of the Holy
Spirit and to intentionally focus on bearing greater
fruit this year? This isn’t about a will to weed, but a
willingness to be weeded.
As I examined the list, I recognized that fear and
anxiety have caused pain in my marriage. So the
fruit I need more of is peace.
During this 21 Day Fast for a Fruitful Marriage
Challenge, I’ve realized my need for greater, God-
given peace. So I’ve asked for more.
In response, the Spirit did the work of bringing to
my attention one area where I rob, not add to, my
peace. In his book, Fasting, Jentezen Franklin says
that fasting helps unstop your ears. And God spoke
straight to my heart through my husband’s lips.
What he said helped me understand exactly where
the weeds of fear and anxiety were hurting my
marriage.
I have a tendency (nice word for habit) to minimize
my husband’s feelings in an attempt to preserve my
peace. When he’s concerned about something or
has been hurt, I don’t always ask him about his
feelings. I don’t always want to go there! Instead, I
minimize his feelings for fear they will rob me of
peace.
Growth isn’t easy but I’ve begun listening fully to
some of my husband’s deep emotions. It’s
tremendously satisfying when that fruit produces
good in your marriage.
The reason they call it fruit is because you were
made to taste good to the world. You manifest
God’s presence through your maturity and love. So
that others say God is so good through you! -AJ
Sherrill
When you determine where it hurts, ask the Spirit
for more of the fruit you need! Watch and listen as
he reveals your next steps.
January 19, 2017
How to Drop the Dead Weight
Which Weighs on Your
Marriage
Is there a drag on your marriage? Something that
weighs it down and creates pain?
During the 21 Day Fast for a Fruitful Marriage, I
unpack how God guides you to shed the weight and
experience unconditional love, greater joy, peace,
patience, kindheartedness, goodness, faithfulness,
gentleness, and self control. These fruits will bring
life to a marriage!
Listen in…
If you are not automatically redirected, click here.
January 12, 2017
Is There Purpose in the
Distress You’re Experiencing?
If you are not automatically redirected, click here.
I invite you to join me in a closed Facebook group
where you’ll learn more about fasting from myself
and others just like you. This group will provide a
safe place to share all things fasting and marriage.
January 5, 2017
21 Day Fast for a Fruitful
Marriage Challenge
Would you like to see a greater harvest of the good
stuff in your marriage in 2017? More love, joy,
peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness,
faithfulness, gentleness and self-control?
Fruitfulness is exactly what God desires for your
marriage and mine. In fact, fruitfulness is very
important to Jesus. Fruitfulness was the topic of
Jesus’ last message to the disciples before He was
betrayed in Gethsemane’s Garden. Think about that:
He was about to die and fruitfulness was the
message He wanted to leave ringing in His closest
friend’s ears.
During my 21 day Fasting for a Fruitful Marriage
Challenge, I’ll share with you the secrets that
encourage sweeter, abundant fruit from your
marriage.
Understanding fruitfulness will
Help you identify how God is dealing with you
Eliminate misery due to fruitlessness
Answer the question: ‘What is God up to in my
life?’ and ‘Why isn’t my life turning out as I
expected?’
Read More...
December 8, 2016
Making Peace in Relationships
I’m wrestling with the concept of peace this
Christmas. Estranged from certain family members,
I suffer more anxiety than peace when musical
strains depicting warm family gatherings penetrate
my conscious mind. Honestly, it’s difficult not to
grow anxious or cynical.
Can you relate? Are you robbed of peace worrying
about a stressed or broken relationship this
Christmas?
Read More...
November 30, 2016
Wives Celebrating Advent
Are there encouraging messages within Scripture for
wives celebrating advent? Can you plumb the depths
of Bethlehem and discover gifts of blessing for your
marriage?
In fact, there are several messages for wives within
the miracle of Jesus’ arrival on Earth and I’ll be
unpacking these treasures during December’s series
of blogs. These blogs are written specifically for
wives seeking the King of King’s best gifts this
Christmas.
A Priesthood At Home
Hebrews 5 describes the ‘why’ behind Jesus advent
or arrival on Earth as a baby. He was sent by God
to be a high priest on our behalf.
The job of every high priest is reconciliation:
approaching God on behalf of others and offering
Him gifts and sacrifices to repair the damage
caused by our sins against God and each other.
High Priest’s should have compassion for those
who are ignorant of the faith and those who fall out
of the faith because he, himself, has wrestled with
human weakness. And so the priest must offer
sacrifices both for his sins and for the those of the
people.
The office of high priest and the honor that goes
along with it isn’t one that someone just takes. A
high priest must be called by God.
You, my dear reader, are called to be priests in your
home. In fact, I believe some of you have been
sensing the nudge of the Holy Spirit to perform the
role of priest without realizing that it was to the
priesthood you’ve been called. Incidentally, the role
of priest does not include preaching.l
Whenever you pray for your husband or share a cup
of cold water with him in Jesus’ name, you’re a
priest. You’re communicating the grace of God.
Lessons for Wives Celebrating
Advent
When Jesus lived on earth, He offered up prayers
and pleas, groans and tears to the One who could
save Him from death. He was heard because He
approached God with regard and deep respect.
When you recognize that God alone has the answers
you need, and when you enter His gates with
thanksgiving, in spite of the difficulty you face,
you’ve donned priestly robes.
When you ask God to bless your husband rather
than dress him down, you’ve just been promoted to
the office of high priest.
Although He was a Son, Jesus, our high priest,
learned obedience through the things He suffered.
And once He was perfected through that suffering
He became the way of eternal salvation for all those
who hear and follow Him.
Did you catch that? Although He was a Son. If
Jesus, the perfect Lamb of God was not spared
suffering, His daughters won’t escape it either.
So don’t be surprised or feel you’ve been forgotten
if you find yourself in deep struggle this Christmas.
Let the reason for Jesus’ Advent remind you that
you’ve been called to a priestly duty: to offer gifts
and sacrifices to God on your husband’s behalf.
These are the gifts God treasures most.
What gift is fit to bring your King this Christmas? An
affirmative response to the role of priest He’s
calling you to.
What priestly sacrifices is the Holy Spirit prompting
you to make on behalf of your husband?
November 17, 2016
When Biblical Marriage
Strategies Fail to Produce
Ever been introduced to biblical marriage strategies
that failed to produce satisfying results? Having
your hopes dashed like that sucks the air right out
of your lungs.
When you’re facing marriage challenges, you’re
looking for ideas and strategies that lead to a place
of re-connection with your spouse. So you strap on
your hiking boots and begin the climb with
anticipation of a favorable outcome.
Yet many times these strategies fail to produce the
results you’d hoped for. After laboring upward for
days, weeks, or months all you see is barren
wilderness in all directions.
Read More...
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